Saturday, April 23, 2011

Abducted by wandering thoughts...

I know my blog is usually about books and it has been an awfully long time since I blogged about something other then books, so I'm going to go ahead and state that this post is not about a book.

Although, since I brought up the subject of books I will go ahead and also state that I finished FOUR today! The Tales of Beedle the Bard, Slam, The Chronicles of Narnia: The Silver Chair, and the graphic novel Kick Ass!

But moving on...

You know those times when your thoughts start to wander and before you know it you have a revelation about something? Well, tonight, for me, as I was contemplating the idea of getting ready for bed, my thoughts started wandering. They always tend to do this in times when I'm getting ready for bed and then what I thought was going to be an early night ends up being a night I don't get to bed until 3 in the morning. But since I have to work tomorrow I'm going to try to keep this brief.

I thought about just writing down my thoughts in a quick post on facebook but then I realized that the last thing I wanted was to wake up tomorrow to find a whole bunch of people "liked" my status. I don't know why that bothers me so much, but sometimes it does and I figured this was one of those times. So instead, I decided to share my thoughts on my blog.

This is what I realized...

Sometimes I am overwhelmed by this feeling that things in my life just aren't clicking the way they are supposed to, or I should say, the way I wish they would.

Like, life is made up of dozens of thousands of puzzle pieces and I just can't get them to fit together. They wont click. I see all these friends of mine who seem to have their pieces clicking and it makes me wonder when are my pieces going to click like that?

I'm not saying that my friends have it all figured out or that life is coming so easily to them, I swear I'm really not that naive. But there are always moments, even when you are far from finishing the puzzle that your pieces are clicking, you at least get a few to fit together right, and I see that in other people.

But what really scares me, isn't that my pieces don't seem to be clicking, it is that sometimes I take a step back and I swear I don't even recognize the puzzle anymore.

I don't want a cheat sheet to tell me how to put it all together. I'm willing to go through the pain and sweat and tears and triumph of getting their on my own.

I just want to know what the puzzle is. Is that really so much to ask?


Unknown said...

OK, here's the part where I get all Zen on yo' ass.

In my room at the meditation camp someone had glued a tiny scrap of paper at the bottom left corner of the bathroom mirror. It read, "The beauty of life is to experiencing yourself."

Yes, sort of a fortune cookie tidbit of wisdom, but it definitely made me think.

Ultimately, everybody's puzzle is themself. But because we're always changing trying to force that "self" into a perfect, unalterable, rigid format would be like trying to nail an ocean wave to the sand.

Crazy frustrating.

Maybe it's not like putting together a puzzle at all. A jigsaw puzzle will only produce the image when you have all the peices in a certain order and in the correct combination. The pieces only fit together one way. Maybe it's more like being a student in a giant classroom where you struggle to stay awake, take notes, get along with the other students, and learn as much as possible when the instructor(s) is unpredictable, vacillating from moments of incredible brillance to mind-numbing boredom and everywhere between.

I dunno. Just a thought.

Bittner said...

I like what you said about puzzle pieces being "unalterable, rigid formats".

More often then not I am glad that we as humans are always growing and evolving and changing. In a way, all those opportunities for growth can be comforting.

And I am happy to celebrate the fact that in reality, my "puzzle image" isn't a fixed point. It can be whatever I want it to be and it can change and grow and evolve along with me.

I know, your right. Change is good.

But sometimes, not all the time, but sometimes I just want to scream "Quit changing on me! Just BE something already!"

Unknown said...

Oh, I feel you on that one!

That quote should be, "The beauty is to experience yourself." You wouldn't know it, but Engrish is my native language. :)

fakesteph said...

I feel like this a lot. I chose a totally different path than most of my friends and now I'm 24, living on the opposite side of the country, pursing a writing career while working in the Film/TV industry. Most of my friends are getting married, having kids, getting promotions and sometimes it's like... that could be you, maybe that's what your life is supposed to look like.

From your blog you come across as someone a little like me, kind of march to your own beat. It's really hard when you realize that your beat isn't in line with everyone else's. Not that you'd want their beat, but still... it's so much easier to march to your own beat when it feels like it's the only one. I'm not sure if I carried that metaphor far enough or too far...

Kate @Midnight Book Girl said...

I like what Holly and Steph are saying, and Bittner, I LOVE the beat you march to (mostly because it sounds a bit like Coldplay and U2). I think very few people are ever truly content with their lives, I think it's human nature to find ourselves wanting. Which is a shame, because I happen to think that most of the time We (meaning you and me, and you too, Holly!) are pretty freaking awesome. And Steph, you're awesome too. Maybe being a bit lost is a good thing, because of all the things and people we end up finding and being found by along the way.

Wow, talk about Zen. Stick that on your bumper sticker!

You know what? I was totally on our old book club site earlier. I'm thinking of fixing it up to use in the future. I miss reading books together. Maybe I just need to be an unofficial member of your book club, and you and I can post about the books on our old site, which we can always use to hobble together book reviews!

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